the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
