My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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