Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
