I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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