I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
