Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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