i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
