i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
