I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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