Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
