You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
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I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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