Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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