he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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