she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
