just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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