Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Randomize
