I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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