I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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