just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
