Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
