remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
