this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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