is your mom at the bar?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
