if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
