a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
