I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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