I wish they made helmets for livers.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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