This is not my ceiling
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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