Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.