So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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