Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
