I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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