id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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