So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
