I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
