i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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