:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
