I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
