I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
