I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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