I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
