it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
