So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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