someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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