did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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