you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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