She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
