dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
