What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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