I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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