I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
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Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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