Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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