Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
