I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?