life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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