Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
