i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
